Memories...Old and New!

Memories...We all have them! Some are good and some are not so good. As most of you know I lost a little girl in 2000. Her name was Skylar Elisabeth and she was completely beautiful. I never really understood why she past or what happened that made her not thrive inside me.

Now that we have Brooklyn, I have been thinking about her more and more. What would she have looked like, what kind of personality would she have, would she be a girlie girl or love to play in the mud. This Christmas she would have been 7 years old. 7 is such a great year for Christmas...You still believe in Santa and all the ~magic~ of the holiday is still new and exciting.

I don't talk about her very often...I think that I don't because I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable. I don't think that I am giving Skylar justice by doing this though. She was and is a large part of my life. She was given to me to take of for those short 21 weeks inside me. I love her and miss her.

I was reading a friends blog, and say this. I think that it really embodies the feelings that I had back then and am still dealing with.


20 Things Parents of Angels Wish People Would Remember

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never saw my babies doesn't mean they don't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my baby. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3. I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my baby. The truth is I love my baby and need to talk about them.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my babies, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had baby growing inside me.

8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act.

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is losing my baby doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it is my fault.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.

12. I wish you wouldn't think that my baby weren't really a baby and they were blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my baby was human live. My baby had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and face. I have seen my babies' body and face. My baby was a real person - and they were alive.

13. My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby was born and the day I lost my baby are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to "normal" you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the real me-maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace them. Babies aren't interchangeable. Besides, you do not know whether we have fertility problems too.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you'll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that it's natures way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect to me no matter what you think nature is saying.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "next time things will be okay". The truth is how do you know? What will you say if it happens to me again?


It is crazy to me that I even said that God gave me Brooklyn to replace Skylar...when in fact he gave me both of them but unfortunately Skylar was just around for a little while. Please don't feel that I am posting this because someone offended me or I was hurt in someway recently. I just want everyone to know how Mommy's with angels feel and what we/they need. Not just for me but for everyone out there that is dealing with a loss.

Merry Christmas Skylar...I know that you are having a ~blessed~ Christmas in heaven and are looking down on us and your new little sister! We ~love~ you...


Hugs...